The morning light filtered through the windows into the silent room. The cheerful illumination starke contrast to the shadows in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, a vain attempt to block out the screaming of protest to her heart she knelt, dropping slowly to her knees as she had so many times before, so many happy times. Her bottom rested snuggly between her heals, her toes pointed parallel to the floor, her shoulders pulled back caused a graceful arch to her back. Reverent. Respectful. Silent. Sorrowful. Hesitantly her hand traced the delicate metal around her neck as to commit the intricate pattern to memory; a needless action for the cool metal had long since burned its place into her soul. A burn much stronger than the sting behind her eyelids.
Letting her chin drop and her long curls fall to the side over her shoulder she reached behind her to unlock the clasp. The opening "click" so silent she was sure it was only her imagination that made the sound seem like the slamming of steel door. Or perhaps the slamming was the sound of her heartbeat, the irratic pulse as it rushed in her ears. She opened her eyes to try to ease the fire and focus on the floor, a small patch of carpet just before his feet.
He shifted His weight impatiently.
It was time.
Her hands began to tremble noticably as she removed the collar from her neck. Leaning forward she placed the beautiful symbolism of her love and ownership on the very spot of carpet at which she had been staring.
One tear fell, absorbed by the fabric of the plush carpet. Gone. Disappeared as if it had never existed. Just like the dissolution of her dreams. Her heart stopped. There was no pounding, no rhythm, no whooshing. There was complete silence and she had to consciously remind herself to the breathe. The pain was ripping and jagged, it tore through her chest into her very soul and she couldn't control the tears any longer. With one quick gesture she removed the ring from her left ring finger nearly dropping it from the tremor of her hands. She didn't even look at it. She didn't need to. She knew the pattern, the cut and design of the metal shaped into tiny leaves supporting a diamond flower. She'd never forget. As she set the ring in the exact center of the empty collar her shoulders began to shake and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to silence any sound that would give her away.
She never looked up at Him. She never looked at His eyes. She knew seeing the the cold empitness there now where there once was warmth and love would be more than she could bear. Keeping her chin down and eyes closed in a poor attempt to hide her tears she rose to her feet with more strength than she actually felt.
He never said a word. He never moved. He never acknowledged her actions or seemed to notice her pain.
It was time.
It was over.
Turning, she walked away from her life, her dreams, her hope. Constricted and unyeilding her throat allowed her only one word, a choked whisper, "Goodbye."
(c) 11/23/2009 sierra sugar
Letting her chin drop and her long curls fall to the side over her shoulder she reached behind her to unlock the clasp. The opening "click" so silent she was sure it was only her imagination that made the sound seem like the slamming of steel door. Or perhaps the slamming was the sound of her heartbeat, the irratic pulse as it rushed in her ears. She opened her eyes to try to ease the fire and focus on the floor, a small patch of carpet just before his feet.
He shifted His weight impatiently.
It was time.
Her hands began to tremble noticably as she removed the collar from her neck. Leaning forward she placed the beautiful symbolism of her love and ownership on the very spot of carpet at which she had been staring.
One tear fell, absorbed by the fabric of the plush carpet. Gone. Disappeared as if it had never existed. Just like the dissolution of her dreams. Her heart stopped. There was no pounding, no rhythm, no whooshing. There was complete silence and she had to consciously remind herself to the breathe. The pain was ripping and jagged, it tore through her chest into her very soul and she couldn't control the tears any longer. With one quick gesture she removed the ring from her left ring finger nearly dropping it from the tremor of her hands. She didn't even look at it. She didn't need to. She knew the pattern, the cut and design of the metal shaped into tiny leaves supporting a diamond flower. She'd never forget. As she set the ring in the exact center of the empty collar her shoulders began to shake and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to silence any sound that would give her away.
She never looked up at Him. She never looked at His eyes. She knew seeing the the cold empitness there now where there once was warmth and love would be more than she could bear. Keeping her chin down and eyes closed in a poor attempt to hide her tears she rose to her feet with more strength than she actually felt.
He never said a word. He never moved. He never acknowledged her actions or seemed to notice her pain.
It was time.
It was over.
Turning, she walked away from her life, her dreams, her hope. Constricted and unyeilding her throat allowed her only one word, a choked whisper, "Goodbye."
(c) 11/23/2009 sierra sugar
Did you know that you could become pregnant in SL? I've known for quite some time and always laughed at it, until Thor. Actually, He and i both were of the mindset that it was silly and ridiculous to do such a thing in. But life, both Second and Real, has a way of making you eat your words.
After Thor and i were married in things changed for us on this particular issue. We had talked quite extensively in the past regarding our personal stance on children together, and the fact that i was unable to have any more. That really wasn't an issue between us, He was with that from the very start. What was an issue was that my earlier pregnancies were filled with complications and void of love and support. He wanted to change that, or rather change my memories and replace the old pain and painful with new happy and loving ones. Have i mentioned how wonderful of a man He was?
So we began to look around and see how things were done. The first thing we decided was that we wanted to take our time and find a way to do this in to most closely parallel . And we did. We found a couple different options. There are two conception in world that simulate a woman's ovulation cycle, fertility, and chances of becoming pregnant. One worked on a key phrase being typed repeatedly at certain times by the couple. The other... *blushes profusely* worked with . Why do i blush? been in over 2.5 years and in that time i maintained my SL virginity. It was simply not something i was interested in or really understood. Thor never pushed, but then we had . Even after our marriage, it wasn't an issue. But now, to do this pregnancy correctly it was definitely an issue. Well, a hurdle i was going to have to overcome.
This particular HUD used statistics. It took into account the ratio of a woman's chance to conceive after intercourse, her ovulation cycle, fertility, birth control, % to fail, etc.. It even considered such things as sexual climax and where on/in the body it occurred. Obviously in RL certain types of intercourse would not result in pregnancy. It was all rather fascinating and technical but was exactly what we were looking for. So off He drags me to. That was an experience for another blog, . But needless to say, we all the items we needed for my first foray into very adult side of SL as well as the needed HUD to interact with the conception HUD for me to be able to "conceive" a child.
I read all the instructions . Configured everything precisely. Chose not to use the birth control option, after all we were TRYING to become pregnant. Again, the rest of that part is personal and private. But i will say this much about my SL husband and RL soul mate. That first experience, knowing how uneasy and nervous i was going to be, He took every step to make things comfortable, peaceful, relaxing, and yes as silly as it might sound to some of you very very romantic.
We didn't tell anyone of our plans. We wanted to wait. And we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Well, there was lots of trying mixed in with the waiting of course. It took about 6 weeks to conceive, which is an eternity in SL. And felt like an eternity in RL too. Funny when you want something so badly the waiting for it seems to take forever. But on August 19th the pregnancy test read positive. I had finally conceived. YAY! We were so excited. I think we were both crying. The whole process had become one of deep emotion, self-exploration, and healing.
Next was the actual pregnancy and birth. Now over the course of my pregnancy, i've gotten a lot of questions from friends and strangers on how all this works. So i thought i should share a few technical details here. An AV does not actually become "pregnant". It is not a spontaneous occurrence. It is not scripted in the programming of basic SL as a form of AI. There is no real SLbeginning to end, however the couple/individual decides to go about it, is completely role play supported by scripts, props, HUDs, etc.
A woman's (or neko, furry, dragon, vamp, male, etc..) growing belly during pregnancy is nothing more than a change of shape. A series of custom shapes are made for the expectant mother to wear. She changes one each week for the duration of her pregnancy. There is a "talking tummy" which lets the mother experience things such as cravings, "feeling" the baby move, hearing the heartbeat, and yes even morning sickness. It also allows the mother and others to talk to the growing baby, read to him/her, sing, etc... And would you believe this "tummy", which is nothing more than an intricately scripted invisible prim a mother wears throughout the duration of her pregnancy is ALSO xcite compatible. It offers things like allowing the spouse to rub the tummy, give massages, and more goodies that i will let an expectant couple discover on their own.
The baby is a prim baby. A couple goes to a maternity clinic and places an order for a custom-designed baby. They can specify name, gender, hair color and style, eye color, skin tone. They can even add things such as ears and tail, fangs, wings, make it completely furry, a dragon, a mermaid, or whatever species the parents may themselves be. The more complex the customization naturally the longer it takes to make the baby. At the clinic, the mother will order her custom baby, order her custom pregnancy shapes, schedule her check-up exam (yes they DO weigh you), and schedule her delivery. The delivery is role play with specific animations, and the detail of the role play is highly dependent on the delivering mother/couple and how much they want to submerge themselves in the role play. Once the baby is "born" it comes with an interactive HUD to take care of the child, feed the child, sing, rock, change, bathe, etc.. The clothes and colors of the outfits can even be changed by the HUD interface.
The average SL pregnancy lasts 2-6 weeks. Thor and i, again wanting to parallel this as close to RL as possible chose a much longer gestation at 3months. Never did i ever imagine in starting this that i would end up a widow and a single mother in SL. Never did i once suspect that i would finish this pregnancy on my own, without Him. He was my soul mate, my forever. There was no drama big enough in >SL or RL to ever break us up. After His RL death, i could have stopped the pregnancy. Canceled the order. Put my original shape back on and be done with it. But you can't just do that in RL. And, this was something He was so excited about. Something that He wanted so much.
So, on November 19, an anniversary date for us (we started dating on the 19th, we got married on the 19th, we conceived on the 19th) our child, a little girl that's part neko will be born. Kaylia Ciana Bishop, her name a combination of both mine and Thor's RL names and the middle name a part of a dear SL friend. Her name was chosen by the two of us, together, shortly after conception.
This particular journey has been one of love, tenderness, joy, self discovery, and healing, as well as tremendous loss, sorrow, and pain. The pregnancy itself may not be real, but the emotions behind it most definitely are. This was not a whim, a flippant decision, but rather a deep emotional commitment between the two of us to share something together that RL would not allow.
As always, i love You, Baby. You will always be in my heart and memories. And i still have the picture and notecard of You reading Your silly fairytales to her. If anyone ever tries to say You were intimidating, a hardass, etc... well, i have picture positive proof otherwise. *grins* i love You so much!
sierra sugar
~in loving memory~
After Thor and i were married in things changed for us on this particular issue. We had talked quite extensively in the past regarding our personal stance on children together, and the fact that i was unable to have any more. That really wasn't an issue between us, He was with that from the very start. What was an issue was that my earlier pregnancies were filled with complications and void of love and support. He wanted to change that, or rather change my memories and replace the old pain and painful with new happy and loving ones. Have i mentioned how wonderful of a man He was?
So we began to look around and see how things were done. The first thing we decided was that we wanted to take our time and find a way to do this in to most closely parallel . And we did. We found a couple different options. There are two conception in world that simulate a woman's ovulation cycle, fertility, and chances of becoming pregnant. One worked on a key phrase being typed repeatedly at certain times by the couple. The other... *blushes profusely* worked with . Why do i blush? been in over 2.5 years and in that time i maintained my SL virginity. It was simply not something i was interested in or really understood. Thor never pushed, but then we had . Even after our marriage, it wasn't an issue. But now, to do this pregnancy correctly it was definitely an issue. Well, a hurdle i was going to have to overcome.
This particular HUD used statistics. It took into account the ratio of a woman's chance to conceive after intercourse, her ovulation cycle, fertility, birth control, % to fail, etc.. It even considered such things as sexual climax and where on/in the body it occurred. Obviously in RL certain types of intercourse would not result in pregnancy. It was all rather fascinating and technical but was exactly what we were looking for. So off He drags me to. That was an experience for another blog, . But needless to say, we all the items we needed for my first foray into very adult side of SL as well as the needed HUD to interact with the conception HUD for me to be able to "conceive" a child.
I read all the instructions . Configured everything precisely. Chose not to use the birth control option, after all we were TRYING to become pregnant. Again, the rest of that part is personal and private. But i will say this much about my SL husband and RL soul mate. That first experience, knowing how uneasy and nervous i was going to be, He took every step to make things comfortable, peaceful, relaxing, and yes as silly as it might sound to some of you very very romantic.
We didn't tell anyone of our plans. We wanted to wait. And we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Well, there was lots of trying mixed in with the waiting of course. It took about 6 weeks to conceive, which is an eternity in SL. And felt like an eternity in RL too. Funny when you want something so badly the waiting for it seems to take forever. But on August 19th the pregnancy test read positive. I had finally conceived. YAY! We were so excited. I think we were both crying. The whole process had become one of deep emotion, self-exploration, and healing.
Next was the actual pregnancy and birth. Now over the course of my pregnancy, i've gotten a lot of questions from friends and strangers on how all this works. So i thought i should share a few technical details here. An AV does not actually become "pregnant". It is not a spontaneous occurrence. It is not scripted in the programming of basic SL as a form of AI. There is no real SLbeginning to end, however the couple/individual decides to go about it, is completely role play supported by scripts, props, HUDs, etc.
A woman's (or neko, furry, dragon, vamp, male, etc..) growing belly during pregnancy is nothing more than a change of shape. A series of custom shapes are made for the expectant mother to wear. She changes one each week for the duration of her pregnancy. There is a "talking tummy" which lets the mother experience things such as cravings, "feeling" the baby move, hearing the heartbeat, and yes even morning sickness. It also allows the mother and others to talk to the growing baby, read to him/her, sing, etc... And would you believe this "tummy", which is nothing more than an intricately scripted invisible prim a mother wears throughout the duration of her pregnancy is ALSO xcite compatible. It offers things like allowing the spouse to rub the tummy, give massages, and more goodies that i will let an expectant couple discover on their own.
The baby is a prim baby. A couple goes to a maternity clinic and places an order for a custom-designed baby. They can specify name, gender, hair color and style, eye color, skin tone. They can even add things such as ears and tail, fangs, wings, make it completely furry, a dragon, a mermaid, or whatever species the parents may themselves be. The more complex the customization naturally the longer it takes to make the baby. At the clinic, the mother will order her custom baby, order her custom pregnancy shapes, schedule her check-up exam (yes they DO weigh you), and schedule her delivery. The delivery is role play with specific animations, and the detail of the role play is highly dependent on the delivering mother/couple and how much they want to submerge themselves in the role play. Once the baby is "born" it comes with an interactive HUD to take care of the child, feed the child, sing, rock, change, bathe, etc.. The clothes and colors of the outfits can even be changed by the HUD interface.
The average SL pregnancy lasts 2-6 weeks. Thor and i, again wanting to parallel this as close to RL as possible chose a much longer gestation at 3months. Never did i ever imagine in starting this that i would end up a widow and a single mother in SL. Never did i once suspect that i would finish this pregnancy on my own, without Him. He was my soul mate, my forever. There was no drama big enough in >SL or RL to ever break us up. After His RL death, i could have stopped the pregnancy. Canceled the order. Put my original shape back on and be done with it. But you can't just do that in RL. And, this was something He was so excited about. Something that He wanted so much.
So, on November 19, an anniversary date for us (we started dating on the 19th, we got married on the 19th, we conceived on the 19th) our child, a little girl that's part neko will be born. Kaylia Ciana Bishop, her name a combination of both mine and Thor's RL names and the middle name a part of a dear SL friend. Her name was chosen by the two of us, together, shortly after conception.
This particular journey has been one of love, tenderness, joy, self discovery, and healing, as well as tremendous loss, sorrow, and pain. The pregnancy itself may not be real, but the emotions behind it most definitely are. This was not a whim, a flippant decision, but rather a deep emotional commitment between the two of us to share something together that RL would not allow.
As always, i love You, Baby. You will always be in my heart and memories. And i still have the picture and notecard of You reading Your silly fairytales to her. If anyone ever tries to say You were intimidating, a hardass, etc... well, i have picture positive proof otherwise. *grins* i love You so much!
sierra sugar
~in loving memory~
Sierra Sugar
Follow me down the rabbit holes of life!
Explore living in Las Vegas. Travel the country. Learn about trucking. Eat, live, love, and laugh. Trust me, you never know where this path may lead.
So come one, come all and be welcome to my life...
The Sweet Life of Sierra Sugar.
Forget the Destination
Enjoy the Journey
Live the Sweet Life
Explore living in Las Vegas. Travel the country. Learn about trucking. Eat, live, love, and laugh. Trust me, you never know where this path may lead.
So come one, come all and be welcome to my life...
The Sweet Life of Sierra Sugar.
Forget the Destination
Enjoy the Journey
Live the Sweet Life
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